Requirement to hold Semester 1 examinations on Monday 9 June Queen’s Birthday public holiday

Dear Student

I am writing to advise you of a recent decision taken by the University to use the Queen’s Birthday Public Holiday on Monday 9 June, 2008 as part of the Semester 1 central examinations period.  The purpose of this email is to give you as much advanced notice as possible that you may be required to sit examinations on Monday 9 June.

This unusual situation has arisen because the UQ Union (ie the Student Union) had decided to hire out one of the large venues usually used for examinations for private functions on two Saturdays in the end of Semester 1 examination period.  This will affect access to the function venue as well as two other adjoining Union venues usually used for examinations that are likely to be disturbed by noise and other activity associated with the private functions.  As a result a significant number of examinations need to be re-located to other suitable examination rooms during the central examination period from Saturday 7 to Saturday 21 June.

The University considered carefully, a number of options for compensating for this loss of scarce examination space, and a decision to schedule examinations on the Queen’s Birthday public holiday (Monday 9 June) has now been made.  This was considered to be the best option available to ensure examinations are held in the most suitable venues, students would benefit from fewer examinations being scheduled for consecutive sessions across consecutive days and to avoid scheduling examinations during the final session on Saturday nights when public transport is limited.  The University’s aim is to schedule only two sessions on Monday 9 June, thereby reducing as much as possible, the potential negative impact on students and staff.

The examinations timetable is in the final stages of preparation and will be released to students via mySI-net not later than 4 weeks prior to the start of the examination period, that is, by 9 May.

The University regrets any inconvenience this situation may cause you.

Linda Bird

Academic Registrar

I’m really not sure how I’m supposed to respond to this. Woe as I am to leave issues of incorrect word usage (advanced instead of advance notice), grammar (‘had decided to hire out’ instead of ‘has hired out’), or even punctuation (one hundred million unnecessary commas), the subtext (which is so overt I may be tempted to call it ’supertext’ if it didn’t so neatly undermine my previous asides regarding writing style) is clearly one of blame towards the union.

Blow-by-surreptitious-blow:

1. UQ Union (ie the Student Union)
   Not our fault. It’s the union’s fault. In fact, it’s not only the union’s fault, it’s the student union’s fault. That’s like the most belligerent, unreasonable and useless anyone can be. How can you put students and unions together and expect anything other than misery, heartache and scheduling hassles to come of it? I ask you, how?
2. has decided to hire out
   Didn’t even run it past us first. Us, the Academic Registrar! And not only did they do it without asking, they did it in a such a way that we were completely excluded of any hope of giving our valuable input until after the fact.
3. likely to be disturbed by noise and other activity
   Even though it’s possibly not the Union itself attending the function, it’s a pretty safe bet that anything even mentioned in the same sentence as the Union is guaranteed to be wildly out of control. Also, all students know that we would certainly never provide anything less than ideal exam conditions, such as giving students 25cmx40cm in which to work, or sitting you so close to each other it’s easier to read your neighbour’s exam paper than it is your own OH WAIT HAHAHAH
4. compensating for this loss of scarce examination space
   Dodos are scarce. Brilliant, musical, argumentative, self-aware-postironic-sort-of-slightly-alternative-indie-dressing short-haired glasses-wearing women are scarce. 1.1km² of campus means examination space is not scarce. Put the engineering students in the gym! They won’t complain (don’t have the social equipment to know how) and I won’t have to see them where I take my examinations. Sorry, I’m supposed to be writing this from the uni’s point of view, aren’t I? Ahem: they stole it, the precious, it’s ours, we wants it back, gollum, gollum.
5. reducing as much as possible, the potential negative impact
   I can’t believe we have to step in and make this right, when it’s the union’s fault (UNION’S FAULT) that this happened – but we will, because we’re better than them, we’ll fix this mess they’ve made, not to worry, we’ll make it all right. Good thing we’re here, huh?

Employ me as Registrar. Hell, employ me as Email Writer For Academic Registrar. I’ll do it for free. Sending out an email as above is not only unprofessional, it’s undignified (almost worse, really) and unsightly. Unacceptable.

It’s a pleasant change from going on 5 years of depressingly sameish office toilets, all grey 35cm-from-the-ground stalls with the only variety lent by the toilet paper dispenser, whether the hand dryer is one of those ones with the sign on it that became so popular in certain circles, or which extremely implausible colour the soap is.

Straight sprints of highways, motorways, freeways, ever-throbbing with the sound of transit. Too fast to see the shredded tire, the lonely hubcap, a highway flower growing from the asphalt; too slow to make it for lunch, before the shops close, to keep an appointment.

Coffee, wood, television. We sat and drank the best coffee in the world with our eyes glued to the screen. Was it so hard to look down, to enjoy the lingering delight of consumption rather than the quickly-forgotten splash of taste?

Music, memories, realisation. The music is always beautiful. Memories, idyll vignettes spinning in the quiet of years removed. Don’t try and remember, they’re the good china, the one your parents gave you. If they break, what will you do then?

I will admit that I find humming disgracefully rude, in large part due to a single comment made by my father some time ago, paraphrased thus: “To whistle alone is to keep your insecure self company but to whistle in the presence of others shows an unwillingness to interact to the point of snubbing the other person. That is, you could speak with them or stand in amiable silence but you chose instead to undertake an action that effectively shuts them out of any interaction”.

Perhaps I elaborated somewhat on his statement. Nevertheless, thinking on this leads to a revelation on the disproportionate annoyance of people conducting a mobile telephone conversation in the train carriage or other public place. It’s not that they’re talking; it’s that they’re talking to someone other than you. Compare your reaction to “YEAH I’M ON MY WAY HOME FROM THE OFFICE NOW. NO, I’LL BE ANOTHER 15 MINUTES. YEAH? YEAH, YEAH, OK. YEAH.” with any conversation between two people nearby. The latter may be almost as banal (particularly if you happen to catch the train during school-kid commuter hours) but it’s less likely to provoke someone to impale the phone yeller with the blunt end of their beloved mobile.